"I got to Times Square and I saw my name on the sign in tow-foot letters, 'Ron White'; and above that in three-foot letters, I'll never forget for the rest of my life was, ' Prime Rib Dinner $3.99.'" ~Ron White

"The worst place to be is probably Mississipi, because there's a town called, 'West Mississipi', it's in the North-Central part of the state... esencially stupid people." ~Ron Shock

"Jalapeno on a stick: Actually I'm quite afraid to be in the U.S.
Jeff Dunham: Why?
Peanut: Taco Bell!" ~Jeff Dunham

"If you think N*sync is where your dirty dishes are, you might be a redneck." ~Jeff Foxworthy

"If your dad's 'cell number' has nothing to do with a telephone, you might be a redneck." ~Jeff Foxworthy

"If you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver, you might be a redneck." ~Jeff Foxworthy

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for in a goddamn tree." ~Ron White

"You know, you don't get a belly ring if you're big, you get onion rings. I don't care who you are, that's funny right there." ~Larry the Cable Guy

Oh my god, my hip, I think I gave birth!" ~Ryan Dunn (He ran into a wall. It hurt lke hell XD)

"Yeah, who's the virgin now!? Home run, Biaaatch!" David Spade (Benchwarmers)

"Oh go f*** yourselves! *pushes off desk*" Leonidas (Meet the Spartans)